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26 Posts
A Golf tale

Pastor at a local church was an avid golfer. The weather had been terrible for a month, rain, lightning, high winds. He sees on the latest weather report that on Sunday, the weather will be beautiful. He knows he should be at church to lead his flock but cannot help himself, so he calls his assistant Pastor on Saturday night and tells him that he has become very ill and will not be able to lead the service the next morning.

Sunday morning he leaves very early and drives to a golf course so far from his town that no one from his parish will ever know he was there.

First tee, par 5 he crushes a good drive straight down the fairway. Just as the ball takes it's first bounce a big blast of wind comes up and carries the ball - three big bounces later the ball is on the green and rolls into the cup - a hole in one Double Eagle!

Saint Peter looks over at God and asks "Why did You do that? You just gave him the best thing that can happen while golfing!"

God smiles and chuckles, "Yes, but think about it. Who is he going to tell?"

26 Posts
Another Golf Joke (sort of...)

Wedding night, bride and groom are preparing to consummate their love for the first time, having abstained during their courtship.

Bride says "Before we do this, I have a confession - I am not a virgin, I have had sex with one other man, a famous golfer"
Groom is taken aback, but asks "Who was he?"

Bride "Tiger Woods"

Groom ponders this and decided he's OK with it and they proceed with Wango Tango, Maximum Effort.
After they finish and lay back to catch their breath, the groom reaches over to pick up the phone

Bride "What are you doing?"
Groom "Calling for room service"
Bride "That's not what Tiger Woods would do"
Groom "What would Tiger do?"
Bride "He'd do It again!"

Groom figures 'What the Heck' so Wango Tango part dux, Maximum Effort.

After they finish the groom again reaches for the phone

"What are you doing?"
"Calling for room service"
"That's not what Tiger Woods would do - He'd do it again!"

Groom takes a few deep breaths and proceeds at Best Effort

After they finish, the groom wearily reaches for the phone

"You're not calling for room service, are you?"

"NO! I am calling Tiger Woods so I can ask him just what the par is on this damn hole!!"

1,640 Posts
Discussion Starter #364 (Edited)
The government is always hard at work to protect you!!


Due to the current financial situation caused by the Corona Virus and slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much **** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of **** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough ****, please bring this to the attention of your TD, who has been trained to give you all the **** you can handle.


The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to Corona Virus, recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.


6,003 Posts

"Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
"It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
"You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
"Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!

"My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"

"Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"

Grand Imperial Poobah
21,677 Posts
Reflections on the coronavirus:

· Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

· I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe.

· I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

· Still haven't decided where to go for Easter ----- The Living Room or The Bedroom

· PSA (public service announcement): every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Note: pajamas will have you falsely believe all is well in the kingdom.

· Home-schooling is going well. 2 students suspended for fighting and 1 teacher fired for drinking on the job.

· I don't think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we'd go from Standard Time Zone to the Twilight Zone.

· This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog..... we laughed a lot.

· So, after this quarantine will the producers of "My 600 Pound Life" just find me…. or do I find them?

· Quarantine Day 4: Went to this restaurant called THE KITCHEN. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

· My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

· Day 5 of Homeschooling: One of these little monsters called in a bomb threat.

· I'm so excited --- it's time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

· I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to ‘’Puerto Backyarda’’. I'm getting tired of ‘’Los Livingroom’’.

· Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

· Day 6 of Homeschooling: My child just said, "I hope I don't have the same teacher next year".... I'm really offended.
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